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10 (or so) questions with... Wild Bill Bauer
By Steve Lange
Rochester Magazine: Where are you from originally?
Bill Bauer: I am from Anoka, Minnesota.
RM: The city that hosted the first Halloween parade in 1920 and, in 1937, persuaded the United States Congress to grant it the title of self-proclaimed "Halloween Capital of the World"?
WBB: Um, yes. It’s like you were ready for that answer. But yes, it was a great place to grow up. It was the kind of place where my dad never locked the door. [Insert long pause.] We got robbed like 12 times!
RM: Worst golf shot you’ve ever seen?
WBB: It was one of my own. I hooked a ball off the tee on the Burbank Golf Course. This was a great foursome, too. I was playing with Louie Anderson, Jeff Cesario, and Bill Kirchenbauer, who was on “Just the Ten Of Us” and “Coach.” I hooked it like 15 yards into a snake pit. I took the lost ball penalty. Louie said, ‘Aren’t you going to get that ball?’
RM: Speaking of Louie Anderson, is it true you once won his car in a poker game?
WBB: Yes. Now how did you find that out?
RM: I do my research.
WBB: I guess so. That’s a little known fact. Yes, I did. There was about $3,000 in the pot. It was way over everyone’s head. There were a few checks in there, including a bad check for $300 that I had just written. I would never have gone in like that without aces. I would have to have two aces and that’s what I pulled. He had kings.
RM: What kind of car was it?
WBB: It wasn’t new. It was a Cadillac that he had just bought. And I’ll say this about Louie Anderson, he would never welch on a debt. I didn’t want the car, but he made me take it.
RM: Who’s the best pro poker player?
WBB: There’s a guy, his name is Amos Chang out of Louisville, Kentucky, and he’s the best poker player I’ve ever seen. He’s not Chinese, that’s his assumed name. He’s an old comic, plays a lot of poker. Plays in some tournaments—hasn’t had that big win yet but always finishes in the money. I played gin with him one day, and I’m a world-class gin player, and he is a little bit better than me. We played all day and just a couple dollars changed hands. My dad is a Life Master bridge player. I learned how to play cards when I was very young ... My dad and I finished third in our grouping ten years ago in the World Bridge Championships here in Minneapolis. We won t-shirts and he wore that t-shirt out. He loved it.
RM: I lived in Lansing, Michigan, for a while, and I’ve heard your story about the comedy club there.
WBB: Wow. You have done your research. Frank Stevens is the owner of Connxtions Comedy Club in Lansing. He was convinced people were stealing from him, so he set up some motion-activated cameras in the club. He was gone for a weekend, I think it was Fourth of July, and came back and watched the tapes. He said he had enough video to make a porno. It turned out they weren’t stealing from him, though.
RM: You once had 200 people walk out of a show?
WBB: Unfortunately, that didn’t happen just once. I consider myself an artist. I’ve always said ‘I’m not going to mine the same fields that everyone else is. I’m not going to talk about my wife. I’m not going to talk about my girlfriend.’ And when you do that, you have to take chances. Before I learned how to do that without being offensive, I walked a lot of people. Denver, Chicago, Huntsville. It was a nightmare. I seriously thought about quitting. Then one day—Bing!—it became obvious how to do it. One thing I did was eliminate any profanity. I never cursed a lot, but if you’re going to be offensive with your content you better not be with your language. People will take one but not both. I was considered up there with Bill Hicks and Sam Kinison when I started out 25 years ago. People thought I was just as offensive. I just didn’t have the personality to pull it off until about 15 years ago.
RM: Your worst fashion era?
WBB: I’m trying to get all the copies of this “Evening at the Improv” show from the late ‘90s out in Los Angeles. I did the show with a semi-mohawk haircut. That one will never go out on any promo of mine.
RM: What’s a semi-mohawk?
WBB: I had it cut short on the sides and left a longer streak down the middle .... ahhhhh! You know what I’m talking about—it’s humiliating. I let my son talk me into it. Stupid, I think, is the word for it.
RM: Have you ever worn one of those beer can hats that have beer cans on both sides of it and tubes going into your mouth?
WBB: Absolutely not. Plus, I quit drinking 25 years ago. No more drugs or alcohol. I quit smoking 10 years ago.
RM: What vices did you replace those with?
WBB: I drink way too much coffee. And now I ride my bike everywhere, and that becomes like a vice for people.
RM: Tell me one thing about yourself you wouldn't want me to know.
WBB: No, absolutely not. You know too much about me already.