Departments
Editor's Note: Gettin' all up in my Facebook
By Steve Lange
That definition, incidentally, was for those of you who, on official government forms, are legally required to classify yourselves as “hermits” or “dirty Neanderthal cave people.”
Because, right now, 600,000 people—each of whom has taken their own photo by holding a camera at arm’s length—are joining Facebook every day. Because, in the time it’s taken you to read this far—we’ll guess about 20 seconds—another 4,000 Facebook users have posted online messages, most of which say things like “Brenda Bowser doesn’t want to be at work today!” and “Jimmy McTinkle just took the ‘How Good Are You In Bed?’ quiz and scored ‘Casanova Meets Contortionist!’”
Those are (almost) actual messages from my Facebook page. (The names have been changed to protect the actual posters. Also, the score on the ‘Good In Bed’ quiz was downgraded from ‘Super Unselfish,’ which just sounded braggy.)
A woman I may or may not have known in high school, for instance, just ‘poked my Wall’ to say that she was “thinking about eating at Olive Garden!” She also sent me a “virtual drink” (they call it Booze Mail), which is basically a cartoon picture of a beer.
Now normally, if I ran into some woman from high school and she had made a point of telling me that she was thinking about going to Olive Garden, and sent me over a drink, and said that she wanted us to poke each other, I would be pretty sure that it would be one of those nights that, had I accepted her offer, could cost me my marriage.
But when that woman lives 1,000 miles away, and has sent the same message, virtual drink, and poking offer to 300 other people, including her third-grade piano teacher, it seems even more wrong.
Facebook, as far as I can tell, is a $5 billion business based on the premise that adults will spend hours of work time tracking down, spying on, and then sending random thoughts to people we have not seen for 20 years. It’s like a virtual version of a giant high school reunion, especially if, at that reunion, you had a device that could read the peoples’ minds and then post their most mundane thoughts on your ‘Wall.’
Sure, there are a few friends who post interesting and worthwhile tidbits about their lives, links to interesting stories, and family photos. But many of the postings—“I’m bored at work today!”; “I’m sitting on the couch wearing my Slanket!”—are things that, if someone repeatedly said them to you in person, would make you ask that person to stop.
And that person is not just sharing your cubicle, where you could simply listen and nod passively. With Facebook, you have to exert effort to listen to small talk. You get an email from Facebook telling you that [INSERT THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO SAT BEHIND YOU IN GEOGRAPHY CLASS HERE] has posted “something” on your Wall. “Something?”, you think. What could that something be? How very intriguing!
Then you have to go to Facebook and log in. Then you read their message. It takes three minutes to find out that “Joyce Jamison just had lunch ... but is still hungry!”
If you have any question about Facebook’s popularity, there’s this: Sony Pictures has confirmed it is working on a movie about Facebook that is slated to be produced by Scott Rudin, the same guy who produced No Country For Old Men, the disturbing story of a small-town sheriff (played by Tommy Lee Jones) in search of a serial killer (played by a guy who, in real life, looks like he could be a serial killer).
They picked Rudin to produce, I’m sure, because No Country For Old Men featured a lot of non-sequitered, random dialogue. It was like my Facebook Wall had come to the silver screen.
Here’s an excerpt from the new Facebook movie, as leaked on the Internet ...
Non-Facebook User [played by Tommy Lee Jones]: Well, hello there, mister. Hey, didn’t we go to high school together? I think you sat behind me in geograph...
Guy From Your High School on Facebook [played by that Weird Serial Killer Guy]: Guy From Your High School wishes he would have called in sick for work today!
Non-Facebook User: Yes, right. Well ... Wait a sec ... did you just refer to yourself in third person?
Guy From Your High School: Guy From Your High School just finished reading “He’s Just Not That Into You.” And can’t wait for the movie!
Non-Facebook User: What in the sam hell are you talkin’ about? You’re just randomly spouting off about nothin’ like I’m not even ...
Guy From Your High School: Guy From Your High School is thinking about going to Olive Garden!