Ultimate Business Guide
How to stay married
By Megan Malugani
little cynical dealing with people who've been reduced
to using eye-rolling, sighing, and bickering as primary modes of communication with their soon-to-be exes.
Jeffery Mintz (Law Offices of Jeffery A. Mintz, 3257 19th St. NW, Suite 4, 424-2664), a family law attorney who has handled hundreds of divorces during his 20 years in practice, is the exception to the 'divorce lawyers must be cynical' rule. In fact, Mintz—who has been married to wife Kristy (Rochester Magazine’s marketing director) for 19 years—has learned
to put a useful spin on his vast experience, turning his observations on why his clients' marriages have failed into tips on how to succeed in marriage.
"Far more often than not, the reason relationships fail is not because somebody cheated or some other single tragic event. It's because the partners don't communicate," Mintz says.
"Sometimes the cheating or the drinking or the other things that happen are the result of a failure to communicate. For those relationships that started in a place of love or with serious attraction, when the relationship faces serious challenges or becomes strained, the likelihood of being able to save things is much higher if the partners learn how to
communicate effectively."
Mintz offers his top ten 'do's' and 'don'ts' of staying married, most of which relate to effective communication (and fair fighting) between spouses.
DO:
1. Be honest with yourself.
2. Be honest with your partner.
3. Be kind. Speak kindly.
4. Speak to heal. "People frequently fight in the 'I'm going to one-up you' mode. So if you say something mean, I'm going to say something meaner. It's an escalating pattern," Mintz says. "Do you want the next thing out of your mouth to escalate or de-escalate the fight?"
5. Choose your words carefully.
6. Listen. "We often misunderstand what people are saying to us. We read into what is being said, particularly in
relationships," Mintz says. "Our best friend could plant a seed in our head that may fester," he says. You need to counteract this by getting your information straight from your spouse, and listening to what the he or she has to say.
7. Say what you heard. Mirroring and repeating back what you heard are excellent techniques to enhance your listening skills, particularly in conflict. "Before you respond to something your spouse has said, say what you heard and confirm that's what your spouse meant."
8. Breathe. Take a moment, or longer, to regain your calmness and gather your thoughts before responding to something your spouse has said during an argument. This doesn't mean giving your spouse the cold shoulder or the silent treatment for long periods, Mintz says. "But if you're unable to speak kindly because you're enraged, it's better to wait and figure out how to say what you want to say. Say 'I need some time to think about what you're saying before I respond.'"
9. Consider the consequences. Your words are powerful, and you need to think through the outcome of what will happen next before saying something drastic. "Throwing out 'Well, fine, why don't you just leave then?' or some other very mean thing will undermine the foundation of the relationship," Mintz says. "And
unless you really want that consequence, you ought not be saying those things."
10. Agree to abide by these rules.
DON'T:
1. Interrupt.
2. Exaggerate or globalize. "It's probably not true to say 'You never help around the house' or 'You are always yelling at me.'"
3. Lie.
4. Name-call.
5. Be hurtful for its own sake. "Couples, more than anybody, know how to push each other's buttons," Mintz says. For example, it would NOT be productive for a husband to respond to his wife's complaint that "You're always out with the boys!" with "Well, you're fat!"
6. Escalate the fight.
7. Make winning the fight your goal.
8. Disregard your partner's feelings.
9. Assume that you're right.
10. Assume that they're wrong.